Daily Reflection 5.18.21
May. 18th, 2021 06:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
readoldthingsMy apologies for the light posting lately. I'm studying for a professional exam that I have to pass, and that's taking up a bit of my time. There's something else, though, that's kept me from writing, and it's something that I really don't like to talk about-- but it directly bears on the theme of this whole series of posts. So I'm going to try discussing it and making sense of it in light of the ideas of Sun Tzu that we've ben discussing here.
Three years ago, I went through a series of traumatic experiences, one after the next. I say three years ago, but that's just when it began. It went on for an entire year-- a series of disasters, one after the next after the next. By the end of that time I'd moved twice, lost a job that I loved and that paid me very well, and lost one of my cats. And those were not the worst things that happened, not by far.
Again, the worst of it was over after a year-- in April 2019, to be precise, when my cat disappeared. Shortly thereafter, we found out my wife was pregnant, and it's been uphill since then. But the ill effects of the year of hell have stayed with me. Emotional pain, intrusive thoughts and memories seem to erupt out of my solar plexus and take over my psyche; when it happens, it's all that I can do to make it through the day intact and take care of the kids. Writing, reading anything not found on a cell phone, or complex thoughts of any kind are not really possible.
For a while, this was pretty much the constant condition of my life. I'd swing back and forth in terms of which memories and which emotions would overtake me, but it was always something. Always. Gradually, over time, things have mellowed out. It went from every day to once or twice a week, and from there to a few times a month. Now it's every few months. Every time the mental storm passes I think "Well, that's probably the end of it." And every time, it returns-- but the gaps are longer each time.
Now, how can I make sense of this all, from Sun Tzu's perspective?
Well, first of all, we need to start with our goal. For me, the goal is the accomplishment of what Eliphas Levi calls the great work:
When the Mental Storm comes over me, I lose this. I retain control of my actions, but only enough to accomplish the bare minimum of is required of me. My representations are clouded. It's like a thin, grey film is placed over my eyes, coloring how I see the world.
The terrain of battle is my mind, especially my emotions and my representations. Certain external terrains seem to have an impact, including anything that triggers memories of the Lost Year. The cycle of time appears to be every couple of months, now; I've been unable to correlate to any particular lunar or astrological cycle. Every night before I go to bed I do a tarot card reading for the next day, and one card in particular tends to indicate that the Storm is coming.
What of the general, and what about method and discipline?
We could think of the general as me, or as whatever spiritual powers I call upon for aid. I tend to prefer the latter, and to view myself as the sovereign. Here, things become more complicated. Certain spiritual powers that I work with, whatever their merits are otherwise, have been not merely useless but altogether counterproductive. Doing certain magical rituals seems to reliably bring on the Storm, for reasons that are not at all clear. I don't want this to be the case, because I like doing magic, but at this point it can't be denied.
So it looks like I need a new general, and a new, or additional, behavioral strategies and coping mechanisms. I have some thoughts on that, but I'm going to keep them to myself for now, keeping in mind the virtue of Silence.
Finally, we need to keep in mind Sun Tzu's dictum that we must know ourselves, and know our enemy. I've done my best to know myself, and to outline that knowledge in the foregoing. What of the enemy? Based on this list of symptoms, what I'm talking about is clearly some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder. I don't like admitting that. It feels like weakness. But it is what it is, and just because you don't want to admit that the enemy's forces are at the gate, doesn't mean they aren't there.
Tomorrow, I'm going to begin wrapping up the Sun Tzu posts with the final 3 chapters of The Art of War. I will probably be more personal in the posts that follow, and discuss Sun Tzu in relation to the war going on in my own psyche. See you then.
Three years ago, I went through a series of traumatic experiences, one after the next. I say three years ago, but that's just when it began. It went on for an entire year-- a series of disasters, one after the next after the next. By the end of that time I'd moved twice, lost a job that I loved and that paid me very well, and lost one of my cats. And those were not the worst things that happened, not by far.
Again, the worst of it was over after a year-- in April 2019, to be precise, when my cat disappeared. Shortly thereafter, we found out my wife was pregnant, and it's been uphill since then. But the ill effects of the year of hell have stayed with me. Emotional pain, intrusive thoughts and memories seem to erupt out of my solar plexus and take over my psyche; when it happens, it's all that I can do to make it through the day intact and take care of the kids. Writing, reading anything not found on a cell phone, or complex thoughts of any kind are not really possible.
For a while, this was pretty much the constant condition of my life. I'd swing back and forth in terms of which memories and which emotions would overtake me, but it was always something. Always. Gradually, over time, things have mellowed out. It went from every day to once or twice a week, and from there to a few times a month. Now it's every few months. Every time the mental storm passes I think "Well, that's probably the end of it." And every time, it returns-- but the gaps are longer each time.
Now, how can I make sense of this all, from Sun Tzu's perspective?
Well, first of all, we need to start with our goal. For me, the goal is the accomplishment of what Eliphas Levi calls the great work:
The Great Work is, before all things, the creation of man by himself, that is to say, the full and entire conquest of his faculties and his future; it is especially the perfect emancipation of his will.
That is to say, the total conquest of the soul. The soul, remember, consists of all of our actions and mental representations. When the Mental Storm comes over me, I lose this. I retain control of my actions, but only enough to accomplish the bare minimum of is required of me. My representations are clouded. It's like a thin, grey film is placed over my eyes, coloring how I see the world.
The terrain of battle is my mind, especially my emotions and my representations. Certain external terrains seem to have an impact, including anything that triggers memories of the Lost Year. The cycle of time appears to be every couple of months, now; I've been unable to correlate to any particular lunar or astrological cycle. Every night before I go to bed I do a tarot card reading for the next day, and one card in particular tends to indicate that the Storm is coming.
What of the general, and what about method and discipline?
We could think of the general as me, or as whatever spiritual powers I call upon for aid. I tend to prefer the latter, and to view myself as the sovereign. Here, things become more complicated. Certain spiritual powers that I work with, whatever their merits are otherwise, have been not merely useless but altogether counterproductive. Doing certain magical rituals seems to reliably bring on the Storm, for reasons that are not at all clear. I don't want this to be the case, because I like doing magic, but at this point it can't be denied.
So it looks like I need a new general, and a new, or additional, behavioral strategies and coping mechanisms. I have some thoughts on that, but I'm going to keep them to myself for now, keeping in mind the virtue of Silence.
Finally, we need to keep in mind Sun Tzu's dictum that we must know ourselves, and know our enemy. I've done my best to know myself, and to outline that knowledge in the foregoing. What of the enemy? Based on this list of symptoms, what I'm talking about is clearly some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder. I don't like admitting that. It feels like weakness. But it is what it is, and just because you don't want to admit that the enemy's forces are at the gate, doesn't mean they aren't there.
Tomorrow, I'm going to begin wrapping up the Sun Tzu posts with the final 3 chapters of The Art of War. I will probably be more personal in the posts that follow, and discuss Sun Tzu in relation to the war going on in my own psyche. See you then.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 02:11 pm (UTC)As you've been (probably wisely) vague about the details of your personal situation, I don't have anything based on logic to offer on what you've said, but I will say that a post of Violet's came into my mind. Her output has become so ridiculously prolific lately that it's hard to keep up with her, and so it may be that you missed it. It's this one: https://violetcabra.dreamwidth.org/115665.html
Now, I think it's absolutely right for you to take Sun Tzu's words and attempt to find ways to apply them, with wisdom, to your own life-- especially as it appears you have particular need for new strategies with your problems. On the flip side, now that your journey with this work are drawing to a close (at least this time through it), it may also be worth taking a step back to consider whether and in which ways trying to apply these tools to the fix it job of one's own spirit are the proper tools for the job.
Gotta go myself, my daughter is calling me right now. I feel you on the family life! I hope I made sense, I'll read this tomorrow and see if I did I guess :-)
All the best, looking forward to the next installment.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-19 11:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-19 06:28 am (UTC)You’ve been reading Sun Tzu’s Art of War as also being metaphor for personal and spiritual matters, under the hypothesis that it may have been written with this in mind, and even if it wasn’t, that it is still applicable on those levels. Certainly this was a useful hypothesis, as you’ve discovered a lot of gold. The thing I believe I was aiming for was this. Now that this round of meditations on it is coming to a close, soon it might be time to look back over the strategies Sun Tzu advises for war, and think about whether and in what circumstances they are and aren’t the best tools for the job of Spiritual Emancipation, to use Levi’s formulation. It has been a useful exercise to try, but just because you have given it its fair due doesn’t mean you need adopt it wholesale.
Pertinent questions that come to mind: Who or what do you cast as: The sovereign? The general? The troops? Your countrymen? The enemy forces? The weapons? The resources? The terrain? And what are you fighting for: Peaceable relations with your neighbors? Strong borders? Secure trade routes with friendly nations? Colonial expansion? Vengeance for past wrongs?
Different answers to these questions, when fitted as a metaphor to the questions of how to interface one’s own soul with the world at large via the medium of the physically manifest body, seem to me to determine the difference between a life of meaningful inner growth and healthy relations with the world, versus losses and frustration in all of these arenas. It was in that sense that I shared Violet’s post, in that she pointed to what seems to me an easy trap to fall into with a warfare metaphor. I am *not* suggesting you’ve fallen into such a trap— I’m suggesting that this is a natural time to re-examine your approach and assumptions and double check their hardiness and integrity.
I’m personally going through a period of introspection and, hopefully, change. It doesn’t sound as though I’m going through anything near as difficult as you, but I want to let you know that I’m planning to do the same— think about the ways that The Art of War might (and might not) be a healthy approach to my own problems— and attempt to apply them where they seem appropriate and effective.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-19 01:14 pm (UTC)As for Violet-- her perspective and mine tend to parallel each other very closely in some ways and diverge widely in others; we're either on the exact same page or on completely opposite pages saying completely opposite things. I loved her discussion of mathematics a while back, for example, but when she talks about the Cathars my only reaction is "Shame it had to go that way, but I'm glad they're gone."
You said:
And, not to be all JMG about it, but these are great themes for meditation. At least a day dedicated to each item you mentioned would reveal a very great deal, I think.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-19 04:49 pm (UTC)Have you been meditating on these subjects already, or only working through them via this blog?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-19 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-19 11:32 am (UTC)Each time I read your posts in this series they remind strongly of 'The Screwtape Letters' by CS Lewis. I had a strong urge to share it with you for a while actually. If you haven't read it - it's an account of a spiritual warfare for a soul of a man from the perspective of demons. Quite a page turner and extremely relevant to these discussions.
I hope that your inner war has its conclusion and that the peace is near!
no subject
Date: 2021-05-19 11:57 am (UTC)