Daily Advice 1.22.21

 I want to talk a little more about walled cities. Sun Tzu says,

The rule is, not to besiege walled cities if it can possibly be avoided.

I call this the "Don't attack Minas Tirith" rule.

On the off chance that anyone doesn't know what that refers to, let me explain.

In the Lord of the Rings, Minas Tirith is the capital city of the human kingdom of Gondor. It's a beautiful, ancient city, and it's the supreme symbol of resistance to the Dark Lord, Sauron. For that reason, Sauron wants to destroy it. The only trouble is that Minas Tirith is also a nearly impregnable fortress. It's carved out of a mountainside and defended by seven rings of walls. Nevertheless, Sauron decides, as his opening move in the War of the Ring, to launch an enormous frontal assault on Minas Tirith. Of course, the defenders are able to hold out just long enough for reinforcements to arrived, and in the end Sauron's armies are caught between a cavalry force arriving from the west and an army of defenders arriving from the south and destroyed.

Gandalf and Aragorn, the leaders of the good guys, have clearly read Sun Tzu; Sauron has not. In Catholic moral theology, sin and evil are said to make you stupid, and maybe that's what Tolkien was thinking. Either way, let's talk about what this means for us.

First, why does Sauron want Minas Tirith? His armies are made up of orcs and trolls, who live in caves; Nazgul, who are dead; and allies from the East and South, who have their own homelands. It's not clear that any of them would need or want to live in the city of Minas Tirith in the first place. The appeal of Minas Tirith is entirely symbolic. To its defenders, it symbolizes hope and resistance; to Sauron, his past failures. So what it comes down to is: Sauron wants it because everyone else wants it. 

Second, if he does want Minas Tirith, what does he gain from attacking it head on? His armies greatly outnumber those of his foes. He could have left a small force to keep the Gondormen bottled up in their city while the rest of his armies conquered the rest of the country. At that point all he would have to do is wait. Eventually the defenders would give up Minas Tirith voluntarily.

Now I'd like to suggest that this example can be applied to almost any situation.

Let's say you want a romantic partner. Well, who do you want?

"This girl, who looks like my favorite movie actress, is the only one who will do."

Are you sure? 

"Yes. Out of all four billion women in the world, she is the only one for me; without her, I will die. Therefore I mean to ply her with entreaties, gifts and favors, in the hope that she will maybe some day finally take an interest in me. Maybe when she breaks up with that jerk she's always dating. Or maybe if she's drunk."

A lot of young men take this approach to dating. Of course, this approach always fails. Most guys eventually figure out that this isn't the way. Apparently, though, some never do, and there is a whole internet subculture of young men who call themselves "incels," for "involuntarily celibate." A lot of them then spend their time lashing out at women, modern culture, and everything in between-- anything to avoid taking responsibility for their own failures. 

The problem, of course, is that they opened by attacking Minas Tirith. 

If you decide that one, and only one, girl (or guy) is the one for you, you are setting yourself up for failure. And this is doubly, triply, quintuply true if the Only One For You just happens to be the type that everyone else wants, too. 

If you really want a partner, then, there are two things to do.

First, be clear to yourself about what you actually want. Do you really want someone who looks like the women in the movies, or is that just what you've been told to want? I think for a lot of people it's the latter. Certainly that's true in my case. I've been with a lot of different types of women and I've found that the skinny, featureless ones simply do not appeal to me in any way. While I'm not a fan of the Rubenesque, I'll take Boticelli's Venus over Emaciated Hollywood Starlet any day of the week. 

So clarifying what you want is extremely important-- as we keep saying.

But what if it turns out you do like the conventionally attractive? What if your ideal of feminine beauty is Scarlet Johannsen, and you quite simply can't get turned on by anything else? Is all lost?

Of course not.

The thing is, at the end of the day, every country has its capital city, even if it's not as heavily defended as Minas Tirith. Whatever person you do want to be with, whatever they look like, is Minas Tirith for you. 

And the easiest way to take the capital city is still to get the defenders to surrender it voluntarily. Instead of pursuing the object of your affection, get her (or him) to pursue you.

How do you do that?

By working on yourself. If a young man came to me for dating advice, I'd recommend the following:

1. Take up some form of spiritual practice. I don't care what, but make sure it appeals to you and that it has a strong practical component. If you're going to become a Buddhist, meditate every day; if a Catholic, say your prayers; if a Hindu, do your puja (or whatever). 

2. Learn a craft or art. Again, it doesn't matter what. Become a painter, a brewer, or a mushroom forager, as long as it's something you care about. 

3. Take up some kind of physical exercise. This one will also be different for everyone, depending on body type. I love martial arts, like running, and hate weight lifting. You might be the opposite. 

To the extent that you can, get involved with others who share your interests, whether offline (preferable) or online (okay). That shouldn't be the focus, though; the focus is to build up yourself.

4. To the extent that it's necessary, learn basic grooming, social, and financial skills. We can't all be fashion models, but we can all comb our hair and wear a shirt that fits. We can't all be master wits or players, but we can all learn the basics of reading body language. We can't all be millionaires, but we can all manage our money well enough that we're not living paycheck to paycheck.

For a year, just do these things, without pursuing any romantic partner. I promise that at the end of that time, you will have your choice of women. The gates of the city will be opened to you.

(Would this advice work for a young woman? I don't know, having never been one. I suspect so, though, as if I were single, I'd happily date a woman that followed it!)

So that's just one area of life. But Sun Tzu's advice is applicable to many others as well.

The last time I submitted a piece of fiction to a professional market it came back with a polite rejection. Later I found out that, during the brief window in which the editors were accepting submissions, they received 8,000 stories.

It's hard to think of a better example of besieging a walled city than that. Even if you're better than 99% of the competition, you've still got 80 competing stories, and they've only got room for 4. At that point, it's luck of the draw. 

On the other hand, the most recent piece of fiction I wrote was greatly loved by its audience. Every year at Christmas, I write my stepson a little chapter book about his cats and their adventures. He loves them, I love writing them, and the annual reading of the Cat Book has become a family tradition. John Adams wrote that an aristocrat is anyone who can command two votes-- his own and one other. By the same token, an author is anyone whose stories are read by two people-- himself, and one other. 

Eventually I'll get around to publishing fiction in "professional" markets, but when I do, they're going to come to me. 

To pick a more brutal example, people who get into fistfights without much training or experience typically pick the wrong targets. Fighters on TV shows hit their opponents in the face with a big right hook, and their opponents dutifully respond by getting "knocked out" and falling to the ground.

In a real fight, this is the equivalent of the frontal assault on Minas Tirith. If you're much bigger, stronger, and faster than your opponent, it might work-- though that raises the question of what you're doing in a fight that unfair. A kick to the groin might be much less glamorous than a right hook to the jaw, but it works much better, I promise.

(Best of all, of course, is to be the kind of person who has sufficient training that would-be assailants leave you alone in the first place.)

Well, this post has gone on at some length, and I think I've made my point. See you tomorrow, everybody!