![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Daily Advice 1.18.21
Jan. 18th, 2021 06:33 pmOne last note from Chapter 2 of The Art of War. Sun Tzu concludes:
This is especially the case when we enter into any kind of conflict, whether it's a political debate, an argument with a salesperson or a dispute with our spouse. Very often, interpersonal conflict is not honest and arguments between two people are not actually about what they are supposedly about. They are, instead, social games.
In Games People Play, Eric Berne described a social game as:
Berne then describes, as a typical example, a game called "If It Weren't For You." You've probably seen this game before. Maybe you've even played it yourself, without realizing it. (I have.)
In "If It Weren't For You," one member of a partnership (whether a marital relationship or not) discovers that there are many things they could have done in their lives if only the other member of the partnership hadn't held them back. Of course, the person does not actually want to do these things, because they are too afraid to. By playing If It Weren't For You, they're able to both not do the things that scare them and, often enough, to guilt trip the other party into doing things for them. "If it weren't for you," she tells him, "I'd have left this crummy town years ago!" And he feels terrible about this, and so buys her the new dress that she wants. "If it weren't for this job, I'd have fulfilled my childhood dream of traveling around Canada!" he tells himself. But he'd never go to Canada; he's too afraid of moose. By Playing If IT Weren't For You, he gets what he wants and he gets sympathy from others when he complains about it over drinks at night.
When we enter into any conflict, then, let us first make sure we're clear about what we want, and what it would be like if we were to get it. Let our object be victory, not lengthy campaigns; honest desires, not social games.
In war, then, let your great object be victory, not lengthy campaigns.
This might sound simple and obvious, but it is a call back to a theme that I want to keep repeating through all of these posts. What is your goal? When you undertake any particular thing, why are you doing it, and what do you hope to achieve?This is especially the case when we enter into any kind of conflict, whether it's a political debate, an argument with a salesperson or a dispute with our spouse. Very often, interpersonal conflict is not honest and arguments between two people are not actually about what they are supposedly about. They are, instead, social games.
In Games People Play, Eric Berne described a social game as:
an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined, predictable outcome. Desccriptively it is a recurring set of transactions, often repetitious, superficially plausible, with a concealed motivation; or, more colloquially, a series of moves with a snare, or "gimmick."
Berne then describes, as a typical example, a game called "If It Weren't For You." You've probably seen this game before. Maybe you've even played it yourself, without realizing it. (I have.)
In "If It Weren't For You," one member of a partnership (whether a marital relationship or not) discovers that there are many things they could have done in their lives if only the other member of the partnership hadn't held them back. Of course, the person does not actually want to do these things, because they are too afraid to. By playing If It Weren't For You, they're able to both not do the things that scare them and, often enough, to guilt trip the other party into doing things for them. "If it weren't for you," she tells him, "I'd have left this crummy town years ago!" And he feels terrible about this, and so buys her the new dress that she wants. "If it weren't for this job, I'd have fulfilled my childhood dream of traveling around Canada!" he tells himself. But he'd never go to Canada; he's too afraid of moose. By Playing If IT Weren't For You, he gets what he wants and he gets sympathy from others when he complains about it over drinks at night.
When we enter into any conflict, then, let us first make sure we're clear about what we want, and what it would be like if we were to get it. Let our object be victory, not lengthy campaigns; honest desires, not social games.
