When I get in a rut, I of course find all the reasons why it's everybody else's fault that the house is a mess. But I know perfectly well that what it comes down to is *I haven't trained the kids to pick up after themselves* and that's my job as their mother. It doesn't just happen. They have to be taught, and it has to be enforced, relentlessly, consistently, until they internalize it. And I always wimp out before we get to "internalized". Which is a disservice to everyone involved. The worst is that my kids see me launching into "I didn't make this mess, why do I have to clean it up?" and *that's* what they internalize: "Oh, well then, I shouldn't have to be responsible for any iota of household maintenance I didn't cause directly-- I'm only 20% of the people in this house, so I should never have to wash more than 20% of the spoons..."
And down spiral we all into the well of destruction.
I can sometimes recognize when I'm doing it-- like the saying goes "the one thing all your problems have in common is you". When the same thing keeps happening... it's time to play detective and figure out what I'm doing, or not doing, that's allowing it.
It is nearly impossible to see when other people are doing it, which has led to a lot of very puzzling and frustrating interpersonal conflicts-- where I can tell that there's some hidden-motive thing going on, but can't quite work out what it is. On the other hand... the end result has been that the people involved in these conflicts-- people who like drama, people who have issues they need to blame on someone, etc-- they detach themselves from me. Perhaps, being autistic, I don't respond in the appropriate/expected way. This is a bear in many ways-- it's difficult to make and maintain friendships, and even people of good will are often frustrated with/embarrassed by me because of my bluntness and lack of social graces. But perhaps there's a silver lining in there.
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When I get in a rut, I of course find all the reasons why it's everybody else's fault that the house is a mess. But I know perfectly well that what it comes down to is *I haven't trained the kids to pick up after themselves* and that's my job as their mother. It doesn't just happen. They have to be taught, and it has to be enforced, relentlessly, consistently, until they internalize it. And I always wimp out before we get to "internalized". Which is a disservice to everyone involved. The worst is that my kids see me launching into "I didn't make this mess, why do I have to clean it up?" and *that's* what they internalize: "Oh, well then, I shouldn't have to be responsible for any iota of household maintenance I didn't cause directly-- I'm only 20% of the people in this house, so I should never have to wash more than 20% of the spoons..."
And down spiral we all into the well of destruction.
I can sometimes recognize when I'm doing it-- like the saying goes "the one thing all your problems have in common is you". When the same thing keeps happening... it's time to play detective and figure out what I'm doing, or not doing, that's allowing it.
It is nearly impossible to see when other people are doing it, which has led to a lot of very puzzling and frustrating interpersonal conflicts-- where I can tell that there's some hidden-motive thing going on, but can't quite work out what it is. On the other hand... the end result has been that the people involved in these conflicts-- people who like drama, people who have issues they need to blame on someone, etc-- they detach themselves from me. Perhaps, being autistic, I don't respond in the appropriate/expected way. This is a bear in many ways-- it's difficult to make and maintain friendships, and even people of good will are often frustrated with/embarrassed by me because of my bluntness and lack of social graces. But perhaps there's a silver lining in there.